i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
