Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
