Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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