Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
