I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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