my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
