So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
