Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
