Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
