Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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