How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
