Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
How naked do you want me to be?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize