I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
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