dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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