I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
