I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
