She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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