gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
