Got a toothbrush?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
