she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize