then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
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