my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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