I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
