the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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