I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
They have beer where we have blood.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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