Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
