uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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