Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
