you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
