Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Randomize
