just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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