Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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