that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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