I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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