i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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