I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize