A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
