She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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