this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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