Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
