i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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