these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
