i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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