Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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