how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
