I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
