I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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