I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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