I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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