Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
