I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
