Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
