I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Found your dick twin last night
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Randomize
