so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
