this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
