I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
