I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
