I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Randomize
