You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
