You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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