I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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