Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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