I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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