Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
