im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
All I want is dick and wine.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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