I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
