I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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