i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
