it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
