I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
