I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
